Style-Spotlight

By now, you’ve heard everyone’s favorite picks for best and worst dressed at the Golden Globes 2006. But, for me it was all about the details. The unexpected accessories and elements of design that can make or break an outfit. Or, as I like to call them, the things that distract me so much I can’t focus on anything else. So, as I say goodbye to the Golden Globes for another year, I leave you with the things that puzzled me most:

The Back of Hilary Swank’s Dress
Sure, some called it sexy. She definitely seems to have a knack for picking the dress with the lowest back. However, this looked like it was made out of leftover black bra straps. It looked….I don’t know…dominatrix-y.
Knockoffs of this dress are sure to cause many amorous moments to come to a screeching halt. It must take forever to undo all of those clasps.

Those “Things” On Marcia Cross’s Shoulders
What were those? Some kind of military epaulets? Does she belong to some secret military society where all the members are forced to wear coral-colored Grecian gowns? I must know.

Heidi Klum-Seal’s Neck Brace
This was very strange. I can only suspect that she wore it either as a tribute to the Eiffel Tower or some strange injury made it necessary for her to have her dress designer come up with a stylish, yet functional neck brace. But, she looks so happy in this photo that I’m guessing she is injury free and just really loves the Eiffel tower.

An Odd Abundance of Material
I’m still not sure if it’s just poor posture, but in every picture I’ve seen, Maria Bello’s dress is just way, way too long. Did she not have time for fittings? Did her seamstress have a dyslexic moment and record her height as 6’5” instead of 5’6”? Did she decide to wear flats? So many questions. All that extra material on the bottom could’ve caused a major fall on the red carpet.

On the other hand, I was distracted by those weird flaps of extra material at the top of Sandra Oh’s dress. I just wanted to tuck them into the lines of silver beading that ran down along the bodice. As it was though, the flaps just reminded me of gills.

Mandy Moore’s Disappearing Necklace
When Mandy Moore presented during the actual awards ceremony, there was no sign of this necklace. I can only hope someone told her take it off. It looks like one of those rope dividers in swimming pools that separate the shallow end from the deep end.

Rachel, What Is That?
What is this? It just seems out of place. This strange, inexplicable triangle of fabric. It looks like the dress designer was inspired by the top of a celery stalk. I don’t get it.

Too, Too Much
She is so very, very pale. And her lips are so very, very red. It just kind of creeped me out a little bit.

What Is That On Her Neck?
Possible captions for this photo include:
“Good Doilies Gone Bad”
“This is What Happens When Lace is Abused”
“When Handkerchiefs Attack”

Check back for Sarah Joelle Snarker’s final posts, which are in the works. Looking forward to the next award show!

Arrr. Avast, ye matey. ‘Tis I, Captain Johnny Depp, unveilin’ me latest swashbucklin’ chic. What does ye think, ya landlubbin’ scurvy knave?

I think you’re hot. What? Wait. I’m sorry. I forgot where I was for a minute.

Oh, you mean the outfit? You’re an absolute mess. There’s scruffy-looking and then there’s downright greasy-looking and you, my dear Mr. Depp, are looking greasy.

Greasy and really, really hot.

Jane Seymour scares the bejeezus out of me. Dr. Quinn, Terrifying Woman.

Just look at her in this picture. She thinks she’s a fairy princess. She wants a pony for her birthday. She regrets not wearing that tiara she picked out. She’s 55 years old.

She’s ready for her close up, Mr. DeMille.

I’m not going to talk about his frightful beard. Or, his fairly scary, severe glasses.

I will also not ask why his wife is forced to carry so many bags on the red carpet. I can only assume they had to catch a flight immediately after the ceremony and therefore, had to bring everything they owned.

I will not ponder his wife Elizabeth Cohen’s strange color palette or her ever so pointy shoes.

I simply want to know…is her top velour??

Happy Valentine’s Day from Geena Davis! Ms. Davis’s dress for the Golden Globes was designed and sponsored by Russell Stover Candies. Special accessories included a heart shaped purse which contained a generous supply of Russell Stover delights such as Orange Praline Ginger creams and Raspberry Fondue Jellies, which she shared eagerly with the press on the red carpet. She also had a special necklace made from chocolate covered cherries, but she and the limo driver ate it on the way to the event.

When I saw Renee Zellweger’s dress at the Golden Globe Awards last night, I thought it looked suspiciously familiar. It reminded me so much of Nicole Kidman’s 2003 Oscar dress, that I just had to see them side by side.

Ah. The Golden Globes. The glitz. The glamour. The fashion. The really bad, stilted red carpet interviews. I watched three networks last night filming live from the red carpet and there was only one man who held my interest. One man who shocked me. One man, who may or may not have been on a healthy dose of muscle relaxers. That man, ladies and gentlemen, was Isaac Mizrahi. Over on the E! Network, Isaac was paired with Ryan Seacrest in a diva smack-down. It was painfully clear that the two men couldn’t stand one another but, the Seacrest was easily overshadowed by the undisputed queen of the red carpet banter. It was the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time while watching an awards pre-show. I hope he’s there next year and I hope they supply him with alcohol.

Here are some highlights:

Seacrest Vs. Mizrahi
Right from the start it was catty. Ryan Seacrest introduced Isaac by saying that he was “one of the only men in America who actually makes me look butch”. To which Isaac replied, “Butch? Ryan, wait a second. Your secret’s out, darling. There’s no way to look butch.”

When the celebrities started arriving on the red carpet, Isaac’s main obsessions seemed to be astrology and underwear. He asked almost everyone he interviewed what their sign was and if they were wearing any underwear. And, he wanted details, details, details.

For his interview with Teri Hatcher, he began by saying her dress was a “big dress for a big lady”. He did not, of course, mean that she was a large woman, just a big star. Throughout the interview he inappropriately palmed her stomach and looked down the front of her dress in an attempt to locate her acceptance speech.

When Eva Longoria talked about having a fake spray-on tan, Isaac said, “Is it like bikini or is it…what is it down there? Is it like a whole…what is it down there? Your body hair? Is it done tonight or what? Is it a special job tonight or what?” To which Eva Longoria replied, “Whaaaat?!?”

Overcome by George Clooney’s masculinity, Isaac admitted to being a bit nervous. George said he calmed his nerves by having a drink. He then asked if Isaac had any booze to which Isaac replied, “I don’t have any booze, but I should do that. Wow. I have some prescription drugs, but anyway, you know who knows a lot about booze and prescription drugs? Ryan Seacrest. Darling, back to you.”

When he found out that Natalie Portman was not carrying a purse he was horrified. “What if you meet someone and you need a credit card or a condom or something like that?”

He showed some restraint with the elegant Candace Bergen and waited a full thirty seconds before grabbing her handbag and looking through it. He said, “I love your hair. I want my hair to look like that someday.”

And finally, Scarlett Johansson. He was fascinated by her cleavage and the amount of support she had in her dress. When she explained that it was all built in, he leaned in saying, “I just wanna feel it” and proceeded to grope Scarlett’s left breast for about ten seconds. All Scarlett could manage to say was, “what is going on?” I hadn’t seen anything quite like this since Diana Ross jiggled Lil’ Kim. Although he insisted it was research, he did spend the remainder of the interview chanting “I touched Scarlett’s boobs.”

In your face, Seacrest.

The best and worst (or not at all) supported chests at the Golden Globes, 2006:

Best: Scarlett Johansson

Do I need to describe why? Her breasts look perfect, if over-exposed.

But wait, what is that beneath her underarm? It looks like there might be a breast surgery scar on Scar-lett. (Along with some flab!)

Worst: Drew Barrymore

Everyone was fixated and frightened by Barrymore’s droopy, yet pointy (coming at us) boobs. This was not the SAG awards, Drew!

Worst: Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon mostly looked alright, but her chest was flattened by her vintage Chanel. It’s too bad. I see with this what Heidi was talking about.

Worst: Marcia Cross

Marcia Cross fell from my Social Graces with this awards gown. Not only does her sagging, unsupported chest show her incredible age, but her once glorious hair color is left bland against this coral tone. Marcia, and all redheads, you should stick with gem tones!

Worst: Mariah Carey

Mariah Carey is the only celebrity I know who could make trash out of Chanel. Stick with dresses your breasts can fit into.